Category: Funny Funny Life


This is too funny not to share…

  

Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ 
           At LAST a guy has taken the time to write this down

Finally , the guys’ side of the story.
(
I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear ‘
the rules ‘ From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘
ON PURPOSE

1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1.. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem < B>only if you want help solving it..

  1. 1. That’s what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..

    1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
    Don’t ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    Or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself..

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A
    color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong..
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

    1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

    1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape.   Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

    But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping..

 

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Black Friday: No Waiting

I used to work in the airline industry and Black Wednesday is all about waiting. 

Black Friday is all about waiting too!  You go shopping to these great DoorBuster sales, it takes you five minutes to find what you wanted or find out that they are already out of what you wanted because they put it in the sale ad to get in you in the store but they only had 3 on the shelf and there were 300 people in line ahead of you (you know it was exactly 300 because the first 300 people got a $25 gift card and when you watched the lady in front of you smile as she was handed her gift card, you thought to yourself ‘cool, $25 extra’ until you realized that the store employee who was handing out those cards to the first 300 people had walked away, and he isn’t coming back with more cards, the cards are gone!) 

After those fast and furious five minutes of hunting down your coveted item or items, the pass slows to a crawl when you see the length of the line.

This scenario started for me yesterday, at around 8:45am (not exactly the first 300 in early hour, but I wasn’t after any doorbuster deals)  I was casually looking through the ads, when I a few things caught my eye, and I realized they were priced for the 6 hour sale. 

My Dear Husband and all the kids were still tucked in bed, I had until 11am to get these items at a great price, so I through on my jeans, got some coffee to go, and hopped in the car for my 10-12 mile drive to the store of choice (I tell you the distance so that you know it took me about 20 minutes or so to arrive at the store, then I had to find parking, this time lapse becomes significant later in the story)

I entered to the store to find that it was so packed,  there were no carts left.  Out of the corner of my eye I caught the checkout line, it was right in front of me, where I entered at the far side of the store. The line was weaving up and down through 10 isles!  It was madness! I hadn’t seen lines like that since Tickle Me Elmo was the doorbuster item at Toys R Us. 

Nevertheless, a deal is a deal, I went to the parking lot, 3 stores down, found myself a cart and headed for the toy section.  I found my item, one left,  took a close look, and uuhhhgggg… this the is not the one on the list!  A quick look back at the sale ad, and I if I had looked closely at home, I would have known the one on sale was not THE ONE! 

I thought to myself “they win, I’m in the store, the sale price item is not what I want, but I might as well look around”

I found a replacement item, more perfect than I could ask for,  picked up a few other things and with only four things in my cart, (my cart that some poor soul who is juggling 23 things in two arms plus a purse and a coat is coveting) I head to the line. 

Now let me just give you a road map of the store.  The toy section is center back of the store. Standing in the toys, just to the left is the shoe section.  From there you go through the Athletic Shoe Dept (quite extensive) then the boys section, the mens section, and then finally the front of the store, with cards, and seasonal items.  The cards and seasonal items are the isles I saw the line weaving through.

Now back to the point…

I start navigating my way to the front corner of the store where I think the line is, and I am about half way there when I hear an announcement “Shoppers ready to get in line, please look for the balloon bouqet for the entrance, now in the shoe department”

‘Are you kidding me?’

Nope, the line is all the way at the back of the store.  This line is worse than when Tickle Me Elmo was the hot ticket item!!!!

I finally arrive at the entrance to the line, with an empty cup of coffee, and I am looking at my four items wondering, ‘are they worth it?’

I ask the balloon lady the dumbest question ever “If none of these items are the 6 hour sale items, will Customer Service hold them for me, and I’ll come back tonight?”

Anyone want to guess the answer “We can’t do that ma’am. Unless the girls at the desk have been told something different”

Now I am usually not a foolish person, but I determined in that moment that there was nothing wrong with asking this dumb question twice, so I headed up to Customer Service and uttered these embarrassing words again

“By any chance can you put this on hold for me, and I’ll come back tonight, none of it is the 6 hour sale price?”

Survey says…

“No Ma’am, we can’t hold anything, I’m Sorry”

I responded politely “I understand, I just have to determine if these things are worth standing in that line for hours”

To my surprise, the angel behind the counter offered another alternative, “do you just need to pay for your items, I can check you out right here”

My conscience got the best of me and I uttered uncontrollably “What about all those people in…”

When I heard myself, I stopped immediately, and said “That would be great!”

With my four items bagged, and a huge grin, I offered my cart to the poor soul walking in the door, giggled at the people in line, headed to the car, and was home within an hour.

I LOVE BLACK FRIDAY!

In-Law-meter

My in-law-meter has been reaching dangerous levels, and I fear this time it may not return to resting on empty, but rather reside at a level of not only increased awareness, but a level that neccessitates cutting off all access so as not to top off and blow a fuse for good!

Let me explain, because you are probably wondering what the helk an in-law-meter is…

In my case, it functions very similarly to the spedometer in my car.  Which my Fruit Loops call the speed-o-meter. 

 The speed-o-meter registers the speed at which my car is traveling. 

Now we all know that the speed-o-meter will register speeds at which legally my car should never travel.  That is because the speed limit , tells me how fast I can travel.  Now keep in mind that under the law, these speed limits have been invoked, and I am obligated, by law, to abide by the speed limits.  I am not required to like the Speed Limit.  I am simply required to respect the speed limit, despite the highly visible temptation, right there on my dash, in lights on the speed-o-meter, to break the Speed Limit. 

It is important to note, that speed limits vary, typically increasing the further you get from your home.  For instance, the speed limit in my neighborhood is 25mph.  As I continue down the road, it increases to 45mph, and then reaching the parkway, I can travel at 60mph (I think, I do anyway).  Finally, if I were to get onto the interstate I would likely be permitted to travel 70 and in some cases 75 mph.  So the further I get from home, the higher the needle on my Speed-o-meter.

My in-law-meter, registers just the same.  In my own little neck of the woods, the needle on my in-law-meter rests comfortable at empty!  In relation to the in-laws who live locally, we have settled into a safe speed of ignoring eachother (because we like it better that way, or because we take eachother for granted).  Either way, the arrangement keeps the in-law-meter at a reasonable, manageable reading. 

Then there are the distant in-laws.  They travel across country just to see you. They stay in your home, they eat your food, use your towels, sleep at hours when your family doesn’t sleep, requiring you (out of hospitable obligation) to keep four Fruit Loops quiet, at hours of the day when they are otherwise busy about the house.  All of that still keeps the reading at safe numbers. 

But then, just when you think you can keep control, the distant in-law requests a family get together.

Now, you have to invite them all (the local in-laws), to your home, the ones you have chosen to ignore, and the ones you have taken for granted, all gathered together, observing not only how you interact with them individually, but comparing it to how you treat the others. 

In an event like this, you are now trying to juggle being the perfect wife, smiling and laughing at the stories your Dear Husband repeats to all the family members who were not only present when the story actually happened, but have heard the recap at every family gathering since;

 while being the perfect mother, speaking so softly to the children, while directing them as to what needs to be done to keep the guests happy, and greeting their unwillingness to comply with entertaining a bunch of adults when all they want to do is retreat to their room to play video games, with a smile and a hug so that you can whisper in their ear “do it, or I sell the video game”;

while being a waitress, serving soft drinks coffee, tea, and just one everyone has a beverage in hand the first one served is ready for a refill,

while engaging in interesting conversation, about news worthy topics, but never politics, even though we are in the middle of a historic election, with impending results that could  upset the flow of the congressional universe,

while watching the football game, and cheering for the appropriate team, because if you don’t then your guests cry, ‘oh but you don’t even get to watch the game, you poor dear’ blaming it in their minds on the demands of having a husband and four Fruit loops rather than properly placing blame on their presence, their demands, and their overall distaste for you which causes you to be walking on egg shells (or something more like broken glass in my case) in your own home.

This my friends, is when the IN-LAW-METER, reaches heights that the manufacturers never anticipated. 

And just when you think you can’t maintain control for another moment, someone elses in-law-meter tops off, and the argument begins!

There is screaming, and yelling; accusations and expletives; in the midst of it all you suddenly hear your own voice and that is when you realize, ‘my in-law-meter has topped off too’

Alas, the end is near, one in-law has been running so fast and so far from social graces, she is out of gas, and out the door!

For a moment, my in-law-meter rests below the line!

But I shall not get too comfortable, there remains my houseguest, who attempts to live in the neutral zone (where long distance in-laws have the privelage of residing), and thinks that in the aftermath, perhpas she can smooth out all the ruffled feathers and restore peace, as she imagined it, before she arrived.

Little does she know, that this peace, where the in-law-meter rests comfortable below empty, can only be achieved and maintained by keeping the proper distance and silence among local in-laws.

It’s true, after her departure, the laws that govern my own personal in-law relations will resume, and then my in-law-meter will rest, undisturbed, until the next distant relative gets a new model of the  in-law-meter and decides to take it out for a test drive and see what this baby can do!

Ten Minute Tidy

The Ten Minute Tidy is a little game we started playing at our house, when everything seems to be in disarray! 

It is simple, and I am sure you can guess most of it,

Whoever is home gets to play (including my dear husband, or strives to participate to set a good example to our Fruit Loops)

We all stop whatever we are doing, and spend ten minutes picking up stuff and putting it where it belongs.
This includes putting shoes left in the entry into the shoe box,

Folding cozy quilts left on the couch, and hanging them back on the quilt rack,

Getting dishes and cups from tea and snacks into the sink,

Cleaning up school books left on the table and getting them back to the shelves,

Returning my quilt pieces, or various other project pieces to my sewing room (because I tend to carry them with me from room to room hoping to make some progress).

What I love most, is that my Fruit Loops joyfully participate in the ten minute tidy, and none of us are ever watching the clock. 

I think sometimes it takes more than ten minutes, if we have had a really industrious (aka: messy) day!

And sometimes, it takes less! 

Most importantly,  it is a fun and simple way to get a fresh start in the middle of the day!

Crash

I can’t blog today,

something has crashed on my computer,

and the mouse is missing…